Two Steps Behind

Now Playing:  Two Steps Behind by Def Leppard

It was so beautiful, the golden explosion in Western sky.  I took a breath.  It has been my habit, watching from the third floor of the Institute of Information Communications Technology Building the gold streaks that slowly hides themselves behind the gloomy dark clouds.  It was a lazy Thursday afternoon and I just feel like staying at school alone.  I climb down the stairs and even thought of counting my steps.  I sat on the bench that me and my friends sort of owned.  But someone intercepted my plans of sentimental solitude.  As I was about to put on my earphones, I felt someone sat inches from me.

“I hope you dont mind.  I just want a quiet place so I could read my notes.”;  I knew that voice.  Its the voice that I imagined that would sweetly call out my name.

Once again my automatic answer is a smile.  He’s causing my every word to disappear with his mere presence.  I put on my earphones again.

Walk away if you want to
It’s okay if you need to
Well you can run but you can never hide
From the shadow that’s creeping up beside you
There’s a magic running through your soul
But you can’t have it all

I tried but his breathing is hard to ignore, I could still hear it with my earphones on.  I caught a glimpse of him, his face is shinning with the lights reflection.  He is focused on his notes it brought me an uneasy calmness because there is no probability of a conversation  therefore completely dissolving the posibility of me making a fool of myself.  I pushed my full attention to the song.

The truth is we know each other though I know a greater deal about him than he knows about me.  We had shared small talks before an incident that ruined the secrecy of my little crush on him.

I thought of playing TextTwist on my phone so I wont toy with the idea of us exchanging words.

“Boston is doing great, are’nt they?” He might’ve remembered our past conversation about NBA finals.

“Uhm.  Yeah.  They’re pretty good.” Come on say something totally sensible.  Im cursing myself.  My answer is as worse as not saying anything.

“But Cleveland seems to be getting in their way.”  It was the best sentence I could ever conceive at that moment.

“Yeah.  I think they’ll see each other in the playoffs semis and Boston will win.” He said it with the usual amount of confidence any guy has for his trusted sports team.

The sureness in his tone made me laugh but I let out a thrift grin.  I have a huge tendency to look extremely silly when I laugh unconsciously.

Talking to boys had never been my problem, I’m quite knowledgeable with what most guys want to talk about.  I could converse well with guys-except him.

He then stared at me obviously seeking for his words.

“You’ve got something in you’re teeth.”

I almost fell off the bench.  I remembered my vow to not make a stupid thing in front of him again but here I am breaking it.  The embarassment I felt is indescribable.  All I wanted at that moment is to teleport away from that place.  Amidst the shame that was attacking my senses, I thought its time to get out from that intimidation he is caging me in.

Whatever you do – I’ll be two steps behind you
Wherever you go – and I’ll be there to remind you
That it only takes a minute of your precious time
To turn around, I’ll be two steps behind

“Oh it must be the m&ms. I ate some while killing time a while ago.  They’re my favorites.  I’d choose them over skittles any day.”  I must have said too much.  Thats my downside when I think of what to say, I gabble along with the flooding of words in my mind.

He laughed.  Damn this guy might’ve thought I’m a big time jerk.  That laugh doesnt do my heart any good.  His laugh is different, when his lips curve my heart leaps along with it.  And its not only his mouth that laughs but his whole face.  But its time I face what he thinks of me and afterward just live with it.

“You are cute.”

Take the time to think about it
Walk the line, you know you just can’t fight it
Take a look around, you’ll see what you can find
Like the fire that’s burnin’ up inside me
And there’s a magic running through your soul
But you can’t have it all, no

For the second time I almost fell off the bench, but I don’t care if I did.  I never practiced for moments like this.  I never read scripts for this kind of scenes.  I’m completely ignorant on the right way of how to take this situation.

I smiled.  Smiles could be a good answer even if people don’t actually question you.

He turned to his notes again and I got my water and drunk up.

Silence. We are waiting for each other to speak, I could feel it.  I really cant stand it anymore, I’d melt if I stayed longer within a close distance from him.

I looked at my watch, 6:45pm, too early to go home but the universe had conspire so I wont have a choice.

But I figured I should stay and fight his charms.  And besides it kinda excites me to beat him in this race of silence.

I’m a loser but at least I want to win so I did not say a thing.  Afterall we dont really need to talk.  Though I couldn’t resist staring at his gorgeous face.

“Hey I’ll go ahead.”

Whatever you do – I’ll be two steps behind you
Wherever you go – and I’ll be there to remind you
That it only takes a minute of your precious time
To turn around, I’ll be two steps behind

Yes I won and I want him to be my prize!

I just nodded.  Oftentimes a nod, like smiles, could be an effective answer to questions that arent really interrogatory in nature.

He gathered his notebooks and stood up.  Behind my back I could hear him breathing heavily as he took his initial steps.

I didnt know what happened that time or if there was any Divine Intervention that commissioned my feet to get up and walk behind him.

There’s a magic running through your soul
But you, you can’t have it all

“Hey John!”  I called out, possessed by the longing to make him feel my existence.  I saw him turned around and looked at my direction.

I thought of taking another step closer to him.  But.  I must have been born the unlucky stars of love.   When I was about to land my right foot on the ground I tripped over my ankle.  Thanks to my excellent physical coordination I immediately gained my balance back and did not embarrassed myself more.  But I’m sure he saw me tripped.  And my ankle hurts I should have worn Vans skate shoes instead of these flats.

Whatever you do – I’ll be two steps behind you
Wherever you go – and I’ll be there to remind you
That it only takes a minute of your precious time
To turn around, I’ll be two steps behind

“You okay?” He did saw me tripped.

“Yep.  I’m fine though my ankle hurts a bit.”  I flashed him a smile as charming as I best could to hide the pain.

“Anyway, I havent congratulated you yet, so I thought… Congratulations.”  I did not stutter but I went blank towards the end.

“Oh.  Thanks.” Apparently he found me wierd I could see the wrinkles in his forehead when he said it.

“Do you think its too early for dinner?  Or you want some pizza? Cheeseburger? Or anything?  I’ll treat you.” I don’t want to give myself false hopes but I sensed there was excitement in his voice.

“Cool.  I want a glass of coke.”  I kept up with him with hopes that he doesn’t have to turn around to see me behind,  instead he could just reach the hand on his side it would be mine.

Yeah baby, two steps behind
Oh sugar, two steps behind .

-Mar 17, 2009

To My Favorite Chucks

It was more than a year ago when you and I met. I starved myself for a month so you could be mine. The day that I got you, I was so excited to have you carry me. I couldnt help but grin at people’s cool remarks about you. It somehow made me think I’m cool too.

The Who isnt really my favorite band but I have huge respect to them and their music. They originally started British Punk, so what more can glorify the music and the way of life than wearing the flag wherever you go. When people ask me about The Who, I just give them a disgusted look. I think I’m pretty bad ass when I’m with you.

You were there through all the days I loved a boy, a guy and an asshole. You witnessed their lies and foolishness. You also saw how I believed them. They all left me but you never failed to give me comfort. We listened to Angels and Airwaves at Boardwalk the whole daybreak. And it seemed that all the pain is gone again and its back to me and you.

You have met all of my friends. We took you during our roadtrips, foodtrips and laughtrips. We did a lot and planned to do a lot. When its so lonesome and boring you take me to discover how lovely the chaos of the city can be. That amidst the crowd, there’s me and you. You signify who I am. And people are too ignorant to notice us. We are both common but unique in our own special way.

Yesterday I made a decision to retire you. We have a lot of memories together. You are my most special. But I am not abandoning you. I just cant. I just need you to rest. We have walked miles. I got tired. And I know you’re tired too.

Dancing With A Pack of Wolves

After two weeks of lurking in my sleep inducing lair I finally grew tired of staring at and dreaming about the rockers on my wall and dragged my burned out body and mind to the mall. Cady Heron from Mean Girls was definitely right when she said the mall is like the wild. Whoever thought the mall is fun amidst the deafening howl of the crowd is getting disapproval from me. There’s a mother who swears at her child, there are volunteers asking for donations but doesn’t want to accept coins, there are temptations, there are lovers, there are friends and simply there’s a lot of people. It is nothing less than chaotic. As I danced the graceless steps avoiding bumping into people I counted the never ending illogical list of things I dislike, despise and denounce about this society, not of humans but of dancers.

Mall is where incidental reunion happens. When you see an old classmate they’ll most probably greet you “you gain/lose weight”. It’s as if their eyes are weighing scales. There are other thoughtful greetings like “how are you?” Physical appearance has to appeal to people first, personality and sense comes after or even totally disregarded in most cases. Beauty is a necessary commodity in a world of vanity.

Fourty percent of the kids roaming the mall are wearing pop culture referenced shirts. Ask someone wearing a Che Guevarra shirt about Motorcycle Diaries and they’ll most likely stare at you as if you’re an alien. It’s exactly same thing with band shirts, people wear The Misfits, Slipknot, The Ramones and doesnt even listen to their songs. My friend by chance, once sat down with a punk girl, complete with boots, black clothes, eyeliner and huge Skullcandy. When she looked down at her ipod, the girl is listening to Black Eyed Peas. She laughingly told this story with a hint of disgust. It’s a society of cool. And cool is merely defined by commercialism. It cant be helped that Che Guevarra’s sweet rebel face is highly marketable. If you’re not cool you don’t belong. If you’re not into what the public generally buy you’re boring and weird and freak and if you write about how tragic it is they call you emo. Conformity is one thing and individuality is another. The line between the two was drawn and conformity overlaps individuality. You are an individual but you are a part of the society. Its becoming pretty sad to call yourself you.

I could go on with this endless irrational and immaturish ranting but the bottom line is it is a hard routine to move around others especially if others have difficulty moving themselves. What will make it much of a challenge is you’re not even a good dancer yourself.

PS:  I’d rather take the consequences of stepping on others and my feet than to move on an empty street.