She Blabbered On and On

The most uninteresting things in this world run like the longest hand of a clock.  You stare at them for an hour and they won’t go away. Sometimes you don’t stare at them, you feel them like a sharp knife with poisonous blade piercing through your existence and leaving a hole. The uninteresting things in this life steal your breath second by second.

She is alone.  She is always alone.

The people she sees they’re like the waves that kiss her feet only to leave seconds after. Why is life so full of goodbyes? If the world stays the same for every revolving of a clock, the world could have been a lot more easier to live in. No changes of hearts. The wind blows, we breathe. There will be no birth so that there will be no death, man only lives.

She wishes.  She is full of wishes.

She wishes she can paint how she feels about him like how Van Gogh painted the Paris skies. What she feels for him is beautiful and there is no great artist could ever express. Sometimes, she wants to kill herself for wanting him. No. She wants to kill that feeling. Shoot it with a bullet straight to its heart. That feeling is a viscous animal that needs to be silenced before it turns into a monster and eat her alive. To love is both a beauty and a curse.

She might be in love with him.

His comfort is the soft pillow she hugs at night. The four yellow corners of her room bear witness to the tears that were shed when the dreadful feeling was realized. He knocked on her door. She opened. But then he already left. Time screws everything up when it should have placed things in their right order.

She’s alone, wishing, loving and blabbering on and on.

Romantic Films Allegedly Ruined My Life

When reports surfaced about Richard Linklater, Ethan Hawke and Julie Deply making a film called Before Midnight, I was probably the happiest person on Earth.

I fell in love with Before Sunrise.  I cried during Before Sunset.  And by cried I meant, sobbing uncontrollably for ten minutes.  My tears started to swell on the part where Celine  broke down.  When she hugged Jesse while saying “I want to see if you stay together or if you dissolve into molecules.” I was already bawling my eyes out.  Two people shamelessly declaring their love for each other is enough for the my tears to flood. These two films hold the dearest in my heart being intensely written and naturally acted. But this would take another journal.

 

For years, romantic films are like my own french fries, they bring me comfort every time.  Serendipity is probably the movie that ruined my high school romantic life.  When I liked a guy, I would ask for signs.  And basing on the signs that I was looking for, I already had three soul mates.  And then I stopped believing in it. As you grow up, you’ll eventually realize which things to hold on to and to let go. The only thing I held on to about this movie is the Nick Drake song.

And who could forget A Walk to Remember?  I never told anyone this story before but I came to a point in life, when I told someone “Promise me, you’ll never fell in love with me.”  That was after a guy I liked made a habit of visiting me between classes in high school. And that guy has a little bit of Landon Carter in him. We eventually dated and broke up after graduation. And while he remained as the person I consider my high school love, he is already married. Maybe life is like that, it brings you people who would make you look back one day and smile because of embarrassment.

My So-Called Life also played a huge role in my so-called life.  My notebooks would  contain quotes from Angela Chase.  Lines like “Life is a prison and the crime is how much we hate ourselves.” If we count the years, Jared Leto would be my longest crush but look at the man, he doesn’t age. I sometimes would look at him with the same teenage eyes and tell myself, some things does not change.

Perhaps the craziest obsession I had with a film is with 500 Days of Summer.  Apart from the lovely template Marc Webb created for the movie, the awesome music, Joseph Gordon Levitt’s charming smile and Zooey Deschanel’s beautiful dresses, the story of a hippie love appeals to a commitment phobic romanticist, like me.  My friend would tell me that the movie has changed into “5,000 Days of Summer” because of the number of times I watched it.  I could recite the lines along with all the scene sequence in perfection (yes, try me). I never really learned a thing about this movie, only that love oftentimes end in a Sid Viscious-Nancy Spungen way and love makes you dance to a Hall and Oates song.

If I was a character in a romantic film, I think I would be Katarina Stratford in 10 Things I Hate About You. Although I have yet to pull off that sarcastic “I want you. I need you. Oh baby. Oh baby.” in front of a self aware, curly haired stunner. I have mastered the smart-ass, socially relevant feminisms that she perfected on the film.  I also want to have my own Patrick Verona who would give me a Fender  Strat every time he screws up.  Among all of these things our most common denominator would be no matter how unbreakable we think our principles are, they always get broken by some charming guy who can sweep us off our feet with a song.

My friends blame these movies for my lack of real life romance.  I’d like to think that the screen romance in my life is enough to compensate the lack of real life romance. Besides,I can have a romantic relationship with Joseph Gordon Levitt without him breaking up with me.  And if he does, it would be easier to take.

Maybe I’m like Summer before she met Tom, who marvels at the fact that she can cut her hair without getting hurt.  Or maybe I’m just like Celine and Jesse waiting for a second chance with the one who got away. I’m just another  hopeless romantic whose delusions about love is not yet diluted  by the acid of realities. My blockbuster love story is yet to be penned and for sure it would be like no other film ever made,  because it’s going to be real.

Another Whiny Post About Why I Am Not Likable

Yes. This is yet another self-deprecating post, because nobody really uses “fml” anymore.

“I don’t feel pretty today.” My friend Kate welcomed me at the office this morning.

“You don’t know how that feels.” My response was immediate.

Kate by the way is like a walking Barbie, complete with blonde hair and make up that makes her look like she’s going to have a photo shoot everyday.  She’s the kind that could turn heads every time she walks by.  But don’t get me wrong, she’s smart and funny too.  In short, she is likable to guys.  That fact is validated by the number of guys who asked me for her name.

Which brings me to the real subject of this blog, “why am I not likable?” to guys that is.

My friend Karen shed a light to this question four years ago when she told me guys don’t like me because I act like I’m one of them.  That was actually the time of my life when all I know how to wear was Converse high tops and obscure band shirts underneath oversize hoodies.  Think Ellen Page in Juno.  That was also the time of my life when I did not care about any guy unless his name is Michael Cera, or Pete Wentz or Mikey Way or Ian Watkins or William Beckett.

Time has changed.  I already know how to wear dresses (over a pantyhose and a pair of black Chuck Taylors).  I wear my hair not only long but with ladylike curls on the end (dip dyed).  I also managed to ditch the smug face, I-dont-care-about-the-world, Kristen-Stewart kind of facial expression and replaced it with  huge smile that looks like an ear to ear grin.  All in all, a little bit on the girly side but still hanging on the edge of the snot nosed little punk old self.  And again, guys like girls who are girls.

Current me.

I like guy things but I’m straight.  I even told Kate I’m girlier than her.  Which she agreed after knowing me for three months.  While every other girl on Earth is going kissy kissy with their boyfriends I am bumming on the couch while my father is watching boxing on TV.  While every other girl in the planet is shopping for make up, I’m having a conversation about metal bands with my brother.  Growing up with men will definitely make you manlier than any boy you’ll fall in love to.  Secretly though I wish I was more into pink stuff.

Well I don’t actually think about this often.  Mostly I never cared.  Mostly I was too busy to care. Not until my best friend and I had this conversation:

Me (with all the excitement in the universe): “I talked to this guy, him and his friends actually opened a savings account and saved money so they all can have a vacation to the US.  We can do the same for the Laneway Singapore thing that we are planning blah blah blah .”
My best friend: “Al wait, I need to call (name of boyfriend).”

I know I could be inconsiderate at times, most of time though I listen very intently and throw useful comments, but I was very excited that I could get to hang out with my friends, after both of them had boyfriends.  It was only a phone conversation, but then just like all the time, there’s the boyfriend. Yes, I’m jealous.  Very jealous. Jealous that my friends don’t have time to talk to me.  Jealous that they have other people to talk to and I on the other hand have this blog. Hence the question, “why don’t I have a boyfriend?”

The answer is simple, no guy ever liked me that much to ask me out.  Considering the number of guys I spend time with, my chance is zero.  All my guy friends are if not taken, engaged.  At work, I have a crush on the guy who looked like Jesus, but he has a girlfriend.  I like this funny guy who plays guitar, but he can’t even grow a set of balls to say hi to me.  I also think this one guy is cute with his artsy bun, but he’s gay.  I’ve been head over heels in love with this charming guy, but his name is Joseph Gordon Levitt.

When I think about it, Karen might be right.  I borrowed Kate’s mirror and I looked at my face. And I thought, just because I’m not trying to be pretty doesn’t mean I’m ugly.  In fact, I find myself cute, especially my “I just woke up” look.  I also find myself funny but that might be my downfall.  Maybe I’m funny in an unattractive way.  I’m a bit awkward sometimes but overall I like myself.  If no guy wants to date me then I can always treat myself to a burger and large coke, watch a movie that no girl would watch and walk mindlessly around the city.  And  best of all,  I can do all of this without forcing someone to go with me or without worrying if someone enjoys doing this stuff with me.

My conversation with Kate this morning ended with me saying this, “You have to see yourself through your eyes and not from the eyes of other people.”