Yes. This is yet another self-deprecating post, because nobody really uses “fml” anymore.
“I don’t feel pretty today.” My friend Kate welcomed me at the office this morning.
“You don’t know how that feels.” My response was immediate.
Kate by the way is like a walking Barbie, complete with blonde hair and make up that makes her look like she’s going to have a photo shoot everyday. She’s the kind that could turn heads every time she walks by. But don’t get me wrong, she’s smart and funny too. In short, she is likable to guys. That fact is validated by the number of guys who asked me for her name.
Which brings me to the real subject of this blog, “why am I not likable?” to guys that is.
My friend Karen shed a light to this question four years ago when she told me guys don’t like me because I act like I’m one of them. That was actually the time of my life when all I know how to wear was Converse high tops and obscure band shirts underneath oversize hoodies. Think Ellen Page in Juno. That was also the time of my life when I did not care about any guy unless his name is Michael Cera, or Pete Wentz or Mikey Way or Ian Watkins or William Beckett.
Time has changed. I already know how to wear dresses (over a pantyhose and a pair of black Chuck Taylors). I wear my hair not only long but with ladylike curls on the end (dip dyed). I also managed to ditch the smug face, I-dont-care-about-the-world, Kristen-Stewart kind of facial expression and replaced it with huge smile that looks like an ear to ear grin. All in all, a little bit on the girly side but still hanging on the edge of the snot nosed little punk old self. And again, guys like girls who are girls.
I like guy things but I’m straight. I even told Kate I’m girlier than her. Which she agreed after knowing me for three months. While every other girl on Earth is going kissy kissy with their boyfriends I am bumming on the couch while my father is watching boxing on TV. While every other girl in the planet is shopping for make up, I’m having a conversation about metal bands with my brother. Growing up with men will definitely make you manlier than any boy you’ll fall in love to. Secretly though I wish I was more into pink stuff.
Well I don’t actually think about this often. Mostly I never cared. Mostly I was too busy to care. Not until my best friend and I had this conversation:
Me (with all the excitement in the universe): “I talked to this guy, him and his friends actually opened a savings account and saved money so they all can have a vacation to the US. We can do the same for the Laneway Singapore thing that we are planning blah blah blah .”
My best friend: “Al wait, I need to call (name of boyfriend).”
I know I could be inconsiderate at times, most of time though I listen very intently and throw useful comments, but I was very excited that I could get to hang out with my friends, after both of them had boyfriends. It was only a phone conversation, but then just like all the time, there’s the boyfriend. Yes, I’m jealous. Very jealous. Jealous that my friends don’t have time to talk to me. Jealous that they have other people to talk to and I on the other hand have this blog. Hence the question, “why don’t I have a boyfriend?”
The answer is simple, no guy ever liked me that much to ask me out. Considering the number of guys I spend time with, my chance is zero. All my guy friends are if not taken, engaged. At work, I have a crush on the guy who looked like Jesus, but he has a girlfriend. I like this funny guy who plays guitar, but he can’t even grow a set of balls to say hi to me. I also think this one guy is cute with his artsy bun, but he’s gay. I’ve been head over heels in love with this charming guy, but his name is Joseph Gordon Levitt.
When I think about it, Karen might be right. I borrowed Kate’s mirror and I looked at my face. And I thought, just because I’m not trying to be pretty doesn’t mean I’m ugly. In fact, I find myself cute, especially my “I just woke up” look. I also find myself funny but that might be my downfall. Maybe I’m funny in an unattractive way. I’m a bit awkward sometimes but overall I like myself. If no guy wants to date me then I can always treat myself to a burger and large coke, watch a movie that no girl would watch and walk mindlessly around the city. And best of all, I can do all of this without forcing someone to go with me or without worrying if someone enjoys doing this stuff with me.
My conversation with Kate this morning ended with me saying this, “You have to see yourself through your eyes and not from the eyes of other people.”