It has been a while. I had sleepless nights. My thoughts fell heavy on my bed and so I am transferring some to the internet. It will make my head a lot quieter and the internet a bit noisier.
Just like the many times before, I actually don’t know where I am going with this. Which is quite how I would sum up my life so far.
I’ll try to keep this light as I can by enumerating things that made me okay the past few weeks. You see, I talk to a lot of people, I am considerably sociable, or selectively at least, but I find it hard to open up to them partly because it has been planted in my mind that it is not necessary to spread your gloom to people who have been trying to hold their candles on their own, and also because I am designed to keep things between me and the internet.
1. Film Project
Film project that is not solely mine although I have this vivid idea of a film in my head. I have started writing the script and got distracted by the whirlwind of things that come hurling at me. There’s work because I at least need to eat and buy books that I don’t even open, least read. There’s school, which is now narrowed to three times a week by my laziness and lack of time to again read books which are in my defense gigantic. There’s the need to have fun, whenever other people send me a message I oblige and go out and share a beer and four hours with them. And there’s this film project of a friend who’s been encouraging me to start my own project. But in the meantime my take on this matter is, let me observe how you guys do it and then see if I actually have the time and resources and patience for it.
Last weekend, I stumbled into a group of people who I don’t exactly share beliefs with but are too gracious to host a picnic and food and some other stuff. We trekked and hiked and I got a lot of scratches, into hills and dirtroads for about 30 minutes until we reached a small falls. And I plan on abusing their hospitality by going to that sanctuary whenever I want. It is near the sea, it has roads perfect for biking, and it has trails perfect for unloading crap that’s on my mind. Maybe grab a pen and pretend I am getting good at writing.
This is so pretentious, I have grown to hate coffee and how I am dependent to it and I have become dissatisfied with it. It’s like the love to an old lover, when you have gone far, how in love could you get? Coffee just disappoints me these days. I need an alternative. This is probably why they say coffee is the gateway drug.
See I ran out of happy things to talk about, I am not actually sure if I wrote happy things so far. My problem with my life is there is so many things going on and I only have 24 hours a day to accomplish them and most of the time I just end up sleeping because of the depression that I may not be able to finish what I started. Of course I could not because I’m soundly sleeping.
Months ago I plan on starting a literary magazine of modern writers around the area because it seems to me that I go out and meet different kinds of artist but I have not met anyone who actually writes. But I have law school to worry about. I have given myself six years to become a lawyer, it is equal to the years that I have so far wasted trying to be a writer. This post is testament enough of how that has already been a lost cause. Legal profession without idealism maybe an impossible task to achieve but it is the security that I can cling to, that at least I am doing something eventually tangible with my life.
As I write this I am fighting that sinking feeling that makes you want to go to bed. But before I give in, I feel like I need to set my goals here so I have something to read and be disappointed with in the future. See when I think about goals, there is an avalanche of ideas that roars in my head. And it leaves me wanting to just escape. So yeah, fuck it. I’m going to sleep.