I can’t sleep, I have to unload my thoughts.
When you’ve been oppressed enough its time to stand up and spit at their faces. It took 333 years for Filipinos to learn that, but it took me six months. I don’t know what’s with girls and talking about behind others back but when others face them, they almost want to lick their faces. Hypocrisy at its best. Certainly those are not the people I want to be associated with. It has to stop, we’re not in high school and we’re not in Mean Girls. It’s becoming a shitty work environment. But sometimes the only way to stop something is just step away from it.
I have to declutter my mind and my room. When a friend entered my lair yesterday I told her that I’m a creative person, I have a lot of ideas hence the clutter. Naturally I could be very organized. I get annoyed by things not being on the right places but there are occasions that I just don’t care. Maybe that is how unpredictable I am.
January 3, 2011 is a long but unproductive day. At five in the cold morning we were walking at the empty city high way, strangely it felt liberating, like you own the world and you can do everything without getting hit by fast running changes, or cars. The guys we’re really eager to get me drunk, that way they might get me to talk. Opening myself up to my friends is something I’m not good at. They might have found me inwardly reserved so they want to break the almost impenetrable secrets I keep. In vino veritas. But we didn’t drink wine, we drunk beer. I still get to keep things to myself but they get to see me throw up on a sidewalk amidst the busy Monday traffic. It wasn’t the beer that made me gag it was the hardcore Japanese gore that we were watching and the strong cigar smoke that I seem to inhale straight into my stomach. Or it might just be the beer, I drunk with empty stomach and no sleep. Otherwise, it felt strange to be outside the comfort zone. The world is in motion blur and I’m the focus of the whole photograph. It might not be generally right but rarely you do wrong things and still you’re willing to do it again. I told them what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas but here I am documenting the first alcohol trip I ever had.
The whole morning then was spent listening to Pink Floyd’s greatest song that happened to be about my life but I just didn’t know about it until someone told me.
Sometimes you come to a point when you have to choose to save yourself or the relationship. I have given him chances. I crossed the sea but he’s just blind to see my worth. Blind or just busy looking at other girls. So to start a new year I have to get rid of bad things from the previous year. He can take me back if he stands outside my window under the rain, screaming his apologies. But that surely won’t happen. He has to learn how to respect women and love them not by words but by actions. The relationship was long been dead; I have mourned enough, its time to bury it. I have erased all his traces and the only left with me is this song.
Urbandub is a band that amplified my friendship with Mcky(her real name is Mcdenver). I’m just trying to connect this to the previous paragraph. We were talking about converting to this practice somewhat similar to Buddhism; they do yoga regularly, have tattoos and travel a lot. But I’m moderately a Christian from a devout family. If we were rich enough, they probably would buy their own chapel for worship. Spiritually, I’m like a nomad. I don’t know where to stay. Or maybe I haven’t reached that spiritual awakening yet. Some Catholic boast about their faith, I’m not ashamed to admit my inadequate faith. We are supposed to go to church to repent and not to do more sin by examining all the churchgoers and tweeting about them. There was this guy I really like who always invite me to their Evangelical church and for the sake of that three hours of sitting by his side I went there with him. The whole three times that I was there I was sobbing uncontrollably, the pastor was like staring at me in wonder as if he wants me to open up to him. Its not that I have done a loathsome deed for my conscience to go berserk on me. It’s just that those words they say make me regret running away from people who love me, including Jesus and maybe God.
Thats it for Halo- halo special, with ice cream on top. I love ice cream during cold days. I’ll leave you with this photo, cheers to a new year.